Here's the deal. When the going gets tough, Bill gets silent.
I know this about me, but I haven't clued you in. Well, you probably got the idea, anyway.
This causes a host of issues. I stop calling friends and family. I pull into myself and disconnect. People get hurt–and often angry at me. They just wanna know what's up. They worry. They wanna help. But I don't let them.
I don't know why this is my way. Most times I wish it wasn't. But over the course of my life, I have come to accept it as my process and due to my introverted nature. It's not that I don't try to change it (for those of you who know me, think of how much MORE communicative I have become in tumultuous times!), but it's a slow turning at best. I don't know that I will ever be anything other than what I am today.
And, to my great comfort, I am finally okay with that.
So…to all of you that worry, to all of you that mutter, I am great.
You see, my life took a sudden turn this past summer. With the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I see exactly how and why it happened. I can track it back–back and further back, even. But in the moment, it–all of it…meaning the really, really good and the really, really bad–threw me for a loop. Kicked me in the ass, in fact.
My hindsight, though, has also shown me this: that it's all good. I've lived long enough to know that no matter what you think you're gonna do, sometimes the Universe has other plans. Bigger, better plans, in fact, but it means that big and bold things are going to cross your path. You have to make choices, and you have to act.
Over the past few years, folks might get the idea that I am an impetuous person. I do make decisions boldly, and I do make bold decisions. True. But I honestly wouldn't qualify myself as impetuous.
I think things out. When I do that, like all writers, I suppose, I look at the end first. What is the end I am looking for, and what end do I think is most likely as a result of this course of action? I assume–again, probably because of my writerly nature–that there will be a certain amount of drama and conflict in the middle. Assuming the end result is worth it–I make the leap. I trust that everything is going to work out in the end.
The trick is that my process is faster because it takes into account that there will be fallout. I don't require everything to be sewn up nice and neat-like in order for me to act. I don't know whether very many people make decisions that way.
Sometimes I've been right, and sometimes Ive been wrong. To my credit, more right than wrong, I believe.
Over the past several months, as life has handed me a gigantic bowl of lemons, it magically turned to lemonade right before my eyes. I didn't ask for it. The Universe put it there. With hindsight again, of course I can tell you exactly why it's there now and how it got there. That it was always meant to be there, but that's a much longer conversation. And probably requires a lot of beer.
The upshot is that it required me to make a choice and then act. And…I did. On the surface, this choice and action could look like something controversial. To some it could look that way, and I wouldn't blame then for thinking it. Those who know me, however, know controversy has nothing to do with it. And those who take a moment to look just below the surface nod their heads and go, "Ohhh… I get it." And it all makes sense to them.
Okay…all obliqueness aside, if you have been following me at all you know that there have been changes in my life. 800 lb. gorilla changes. Half of these changes I simply don't want to talk about. Not that I don't love y'all, but it's the kind of stuff that is best to simply let be. On the other side of things, I am glad to talk your ear off…and I probably will.
Life has shifted for me…fresh and forward, and yet back to where it really all began in the first place. Funny. Most days I just smile and shake my head. Huh…
I do not live in Minnesota anymore. I left it. Quickly, yes…but for Zach's sake as well as mine I think it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have gone west, toward my destiny–personal and professional. And I am done with anything other than keeping my eye on the prize–personal and professional–every day.
More later. Because now I wanna talk. Now I need to talk…to share. There's so much! Yet, there's been this awkward "thing" hanging out there. That gorilla. I am wondering if we can all just nod at it and move past it? That's what I'm doing here–acknowledging and moving on, because I don't want to do the silent treatment thing anymore. Not with you, TRUE LIFERS (ah..! How long has it been since I wrote that?!? Feels good).
Alas, here's to the end of silence. Here's to welcome back. To the past, to the present, and to the future. To True Life.
3 thoughts on “Finnigin, Begin-igin”
My True Bill, I am glad to hear that you are moving forward with optimism! Of course everyone deserves a fresh start – especially you! Did I scare you out of town because we lived so close to each other? :). Take care my friend and know that you are always thought of with the highest level of respect for the decisions you make.
So…. lunch is out? 😉
Our life is changing to my friend. Stay tuned…
I am happy for you.. and see peace in you. Take care!
Will be happy to see you next spring if you can make it. “Hi” to Zack and love to both of you.