I hate times like these. I try and I try to figure out why they happen, but I never can. It’s like a puzzle, with one key piece forever missing.
I know that I am in a funk. I can FEEL it. I know it specifically because it’s during these times that I want to avoid writing in this journal. And I get why. I mean, it’s not like I don’t contemplate journaling here. It’s simply that in times like these there’s SooOOoOo many things swirling around in my head and all of them seem to relate and inter-connect somehow. I try to break them down into bite-sized chunks, so I can at least COMMENT on them. Alas…no. Somehow, in times like these, I just can’t seem to get my choppers around any chunk of the proverbial elephant, and I can’t begin to fathom a way to carve the thing up into smaller pieces.
The one difference between this time and others, however, is that I think I have at least a CLUE as to why my head’s where it is right now (okay…insert smart alec joke response here, such as, “where..? In your *ss, Bill?” Ha, ha…Droll…very droll…). I think it comes mainly from three things…and when I tell you what they are, you’re all gonna go, “Uh…DOY!” And then I’m gonna go, “Well! I…uh…you know…just…uh…well, you know…” Then you’re gonna go all, “Whatever.” Then I’m gonna be, like, “Yeah…I know.”
Here they are:
1. I just finished a screenplay — I am beginning to see a pattern when I get done with big stuff like this. I suppose, on wone hand, it’s a little bit like giving birth. It’s all the pressure, pressure, pressure…then the pushing, pushing, pushing…then the EEEuuuuuuGGGGGHHNNNGGGGHHH!. Then it’s all the euphoria of being done and having this little miracle in your arms. Then it’s taking the thing home and realizing you gotta live you life again. And then…oh yeah…you always want to have another baby…but you wonder whether you’re ready to begin trying yet, if you catch my drift. So…no wonder you get a little twinge of post-partem depression and have some–to say the least–sort of adjustment period. A recalibration, if you will.
2. Lynn’s most recent cancer struggle seems to be coming to a close — while this is SuperFantasticRatFunkyMojolicious, at the same time, it presents an odd position for me. Umm…like…what do I do now with myself? It’s funny, when Lynn and I argue the most..? When she’s come off some profound health crisis, and now she’s feeling better and wanting to begin living life a little. “Umm… Yes, Honey. Thanks. But I can do it myself.” “Yeah, but…I already did it.” “Well, stop doing things for me.” “Uhh…”
And the space we’re in specifically a this moment is a real kicker. Because, see, I know a secret. Lynn is ready to take on SOME additional responsibilities, but probably not as many as she WANTS to right now. I know my wife. God bless her; her heart is in the right place. But (and, crap…I’m like this, too) her eyes are bigger than her stomach in this respect. I have to admit that as much as it frustrates the hell our of me sometimes, it’s also one of the things I love about her. She thinks big. She’s got vision. I like that. No…I LOVE that.
But I am walking something of a tightrope right now. I’m still doing most of the stuff around the house, etc. (well, as much as I can right now, considering my own fatigued state), but I sense that’s going to be changing soon. But it ain’t quite there yet. And the transition’s gonna be…delicate. It will need to be. So…I get in a little bit of a funk about it all because I don’t know exactly how to handle the whole thing.
Well…I do…but it’s hard. I know I handle it with patience and love. I know. I know. Me. Patience. Heh.
3. The world is my oyster — Due to circumstances beyond my control, this screeplay isn’t getting buttoned up to ship off to the H’wood powers that be (and who will inevitably offer me the standard “Rich and Famous” contract toot sweet, I am absolutely certain) as quickly as I would like (go figure). And RB, though I hope to have some cool news about it soon, still ain’t quite percolated yer. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out what my work life looks like without, well, working. Okay…really I mean without needing to return to the workaday world, per se. I’ve been reading this book called “Making a Living Without a Job,” and it’s been helping. I still find myself struggling to stay organized and productive, though, without the external structure of a “real” job. I believe that I will lick it, but it gets a little scary sometimes…daunting even. And it also makes my head spin.
Then there’s a fourth thing…
4. The World — Yep…Capital “W” and everything. For years, I would characterize myself as being on the outside looking in when it came to this world. And when I say that, I mean it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve committed those very words to paper. I don’t know where I thought I was living, but it sure wasn’t “here.” And I lived like it. And I despised this world. Then one day, something happened, and I found myself smack dab in the center of some great epiphany.
I DID live here…in this world. I was part of the human race, whether I liked it or not. And then I realized something further. Know what..? I liked it. It felt comforting. Comforting to not be some separate being distanced from the muck and the mess and the stuff of this world, but right in the thick of it. I realized that I wasn’t so different from everyone else…and for the first time in my life, I began to revel in that knowledge, as opposed to shuddering at it as I had in the past. I was Neo, waking up in the real world, and it blew my mind.
…And it still does. I struggle on a daily basis to perceive the workings of this world. To make some sense of it all…at least in terms of how I can apply myself in it in the most meaningful way possible.
Truthfully, I can’t quite get lay my hends on it. I can’t even understand parts of it, unless they’re so small they’re like specks of dust in comparison to the whole. Crap…even smaller. Like molecules…or atoms…or freakin’ quarks. And that leaves SO MANY individual pieces to examine and get! And then to figure out how the whole thing fits together and functions? Yikes! By the time I get to that point, I throw up my hands and thank God above that He invented faith, because that’s where that comes into play for me. At that point, I have to just stop worrying about it and have faith it all works and that I’ll understand what I need to understand when I need to understand it. And I let the rest go.
But it’s not easy…to let go. And I still spend a considerablt amount of time churning it around in my mind in hopes that it will set in my mind. So far, all I’ve yielded it a lot of heavy cream that eventually begins to curdle. By that time, I just gotta dump it out and start churning a new batch. But that damned churning…
What’s it all add up to? I don’t know. Now I’ve used this blog for it’s right purpose, though. I’ve dumped it all here, and that is, as they say, “right and salutary.” I leave the spin here, and have faith that I will do the things I need to do when I need to do them, and that these things will be revealed to me when the time is right for them to be revealed. And I have faith that, though He never said it would be easy, he did say it would be worth it.
…And every day I will continue to use my planner.
…And every day I will continue to walk the path.
…And every day I will continue to cherish the journey.
If I do that, perhaps this brew will turn out to be not so strange after all, eh?
–Okay, now…may, uh…the, like, Lord bless you and keep you.
–Uh, yeah…and kinda shine His light down on top of you, too, eh?
–Good one, eh?
–Thanks. And I guess He should probably give you peace.
–And a beer, eh?
–Knock it off, man! That’s, like, hairspray.
–Or is it Balsphoney?
–Like, whadd’re you talkin’ about?
–Like it ain’t good to talk about beer and God in, like, the same time.
–Well, He invented beer.
–No way, you hoser. He did.
–I’ll drink to that.